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That's the Way the Cookie Crumbles
by: Nick Marinello
Oreo, Chips Ahoy, Chips Deluxe, Mrs. Fields, Lorna Dune, or even mom’s homemade, no matter what your favorite cookie is we are all plagued by one eternal problem. A problem that has dogged man since the inception of those baked delights. This is a question that has befuddled the greatest Keebler elves ever to wield that cookie magic. This particular problem has become such an epidemic that it apparently warranted scientific research by actual scientists. What is this problem you ask? Is it the caloric value of these tasty bakery goods? Is it the medical benefits of eating cookies? Is it that little something extra that makes cookies oh so irresistible? No, my friends, oh no, Dr. Professional Scientist and his cadre of scientific equipment researched the age-old problem of, why cookies break. Yes, you heard me correct. The British government has allocated money to the scientific pursuit of the “Perfect Cookie.” I’m not sure what is more troubling, the fact that the British government poured money into this problem, or that it made top news on Yahoo.
According to the Associated Foreign Press, “The result is a build-up of strain forces which pulls the biscuit apart, making them vulnerable when handled, moved or packaged.” NO SHIT! Apparently, the heating and cooling process forms “fault lines” along the cookie that makes it break easier. Thanks to the tireless efforts of doctorial students Qasim Saleem, we don’t need to worry about the structural integrity of our cookies. With this information we can work tirelessly to formulate the perfect cookie-baking environment, no doubt millions of more pounds will be dedicated to this effort. I think the thing that confuses me the most is the fact that the article online treated this discovery as if it were some groundbreaking experience, when in actuality nothing could probably matter less. I was racking my brain to thing of some practical applications for this research, which apparently employed the use of lasers. I know that cookie fans don’t care about whether their cookies are broken or not. Speaking as a moderate fat ass, I know that I do not care what state my cookies are in. If the aforementioned cookies exist in bag form I have no shame in tipping the bag upside down to get the last morsels of cookie delight. With that being said I am plum out of reasons that this research could be useful.
“The Macadamias nuts are 0.00000000000038 microns smaller than my tesitcles”
That you can take to the bank.